I am pleased to present to you the uncanny, behind the music interview with the Bard's Tale Legend, the one and only, Tom Greene, Webmaster of the The Adventurers' Guild! I caught up with him downtown last night...



TheCowGod - Whassup???

not too much, just chillin'

Ahhh, I see. Are you ready for the intense interview?

sure :-)

Okay then, here we go...

Mr. Greene, may I call you that?

Haha, if you like. Or you can call me "Admiral" ;-)

Aah, yes, that's even better.

Years ago, there were only a handful of Bard's Tale web pages, and one of them was yours.

In a way, you started it all...

Tell me about your earlier Bard's Tale web pages.

Well, there wasn't all that much to the first one, which I called "The Bard's Tale Home Page". It had the games for download, a couple of maps, some sounds, and that was about it.

Was that the only BT web page you had made before the Guild?

More or less, yes. I after a while, I changed the name of the site to "Cowgod's Bard's Tale Resouces", but the content was essentially left untouched.

Ahh, yes. When did the WebRing start?

I'm not sure exactly. It was not long after The Adventurers' Guild came online (sometime in 1998). If I recall correctly, myself, Mike O'Hara, and probably you, were in a chat room at Mike's site. Someone suggested a Bard's Tale webring, and a few days later, I created the ring.

I see.

Did I understand you right when you said that you and Dan Quale invented the Internet?

No no, not Dan Quayle. It was Barbara Bush.

:-)

Oh yes, thanks for clearing that up.

Out of the three Bard's Tale games, which one do you enjoy the most?

Glad to set the record straight.

To be honest, to this day I haven't played much of either II or III. The first one is the one for me.

Well you're not missing much. I heard that BT2 and BT3 were just like BT1 except that they had different box art...

Now about food. What toppings do you enjoy on a pizza?

LOL, mushrooms or sausage, mostly. Occasionally I'll go for some pepperoni, onions, and olives.

I see. Are you considered an "IT Professional"?

I suppose so. I'm not sure what my job title would be. Probably something along the lines of "Network Operator/System Administrator/Door Man/Security Guard"

That's quite the title! As with most computer people (such as myself), do you eat lots of fast food for lunch?

I actually don't usually eat at all when I'm at work. Maybe a pizza, once a week or so. Most days I just drink loads and loads of Snapple instead.

Of course, in my days as a unix admin, I ate a Big Mac for dinner every day. :-)

Yes, it kind of goes with the territory.

You seem to know a whole lot about the web. Do you make any other web pages besides the Guild?

These days, the only other site I've got is cowgod.org, which doesn't have much on it. Over the years I've had quite a few pages, too many to remember. A few that were noteworthy was one about Apple II computers and another about Slurpees.

Aah yes, I remember the Slurpee Affectionado page. Brilliant!

Do you have any web pages that you frequent now adays?

That I frequent? Slashdot.org, Fark.com, Contour.org, and Userfriendly.org are the ones I visit regularly.

Really? To be honest, I haven't heard of any of them...

I don't get out much!

So, do you have any favorite video games?

Bard's Tale. :-)

Well of course, who doesn't like the BT... Do you have any others?

I don't play games very often anymore, but my current favorites are 18 Wheeler: American Pro Trucker, Dead or Alive 2, and Grand Theft Auto 2, all on Dreamcast. I've also been playing a lot of FreeCiv on my PC recently.

I see - all good games...

What do you see yourself doing in the next five years?

Sounds like a question from a college application. :-) I'm not really sure... The next five years will probably be pretty similar to the present.

Oh yeah? Working hard, surfing the net, sleeping, working, sleeping, etc?

More or less. Hopefully a with little less of that "work" stuff.

So what does a guy like you do for a fun night?

Wander around aimlessly with friends, hang out at the local pub, watch some DVDs... Nothing special, really.

Well, that's better than my version of a fun night!

Here's my ideal night:

The wife takes all of the kids out of the house and leaves me alone...

Then I go downstairs to my basement computer and program the night away.

Talk about boring for most people, but that is 100% FUN for me!

You don't program much, do you?

No, not as much as I used to. Though in the past I've been up all night coding on many occasions.

What type of language?

Mostly Visual Basic (the old-school DOS one). Some Unix shell scripting, some C hacking. I've been meaning to learn C and Perl for ages, but I just don't have the patience to learn 'em.

Can't blame ya.

What kind of music do you like? Brittney Spears?

Of course! Oh wait, I mean NO!

Good save...

Mostly what people call "rock" and/or "metal", with a few other things thrown in for good measure.

Oh yeah? Are you listening to music this very second?

Yup. Pink Floyd.

Have you ever seen any of your favorite bands in concert?

(besides Brittney)

Haha, a few. Metallica, Ozzy Osbourne, Clutch, Sixty Watt Shaman, and They Might Be Giants.

One last question for you, my honorable guest...

I've been getting letters....

tons of queries...

people have been asking me...

left and right...

What is your favorite toothpaste?

What's toothpaste??? I am confused by your strange questions.

Sorry about that...

Well then, how about your favorite sugary cereal?

Sugary? Hmm... I dunno if it's considered a "sugary cereal", but I'm a big fan of Cinnamon Life(tm)

Well, that's a good choice!

I thank you for your time - I know that your super busy - working on your next Guild update - so I'll let you be...

Oh, right! Guild update!

HA HA HA . . . right . . .

Have a good night, Admiral!

Farewell, your Highness.

In other news, Mike O'Hara has come to visit me again. Customs wasn't so good to him. Here's his story:
Security is a very important issue. It is something we all take for granted, and it encompasses a wide spectrum. Personal security, private security, public security, corporate security… but I want to talk about the largest level of security we have. I'm talking about customs officers.

I arrived late last night here in Minneapolis after a daunting 31 hour bus ride that had commenced in Red Deer, Alberta, Canada. At Winnipeg, Manitoba, the driver of the bus had us produce a return trip ticket and some form of ID. He then recorded our names and form of ID down on a sheet of paper. No big deal.

The bus arrived at the North Dakota border some hour and a half later. We all get out with our passports, drivers licenses, birth certificates, bus tickets, wallets and whatever else we might have that passes for ID. One by one we approach the kiosk and hand over our valuable documents to the dour-looking border guards. And I'm not kidding. Behind them is a poster that says we have a right to professional service and to be treated with the utmost respect, blah-de-blah-blah-bleh. The guards might be trained not to smile.

The very first thing these people do is take your ticket and examine where you are going. "Minneapolis, hmmmmmmmmmm?" Then they examine my passport. "You are Michael James O'Hara?" Of course you idiot, is what pops into my head. But I am neither naïeve nor foolish, so I bravely refrain from voicing such a comment. Next, the guard asks me how much money I am travelling with. "Three hundred and ten dollars" is what I hope I counted correctly earlier. "Take your money out of your wallet and count it." I do so, counting out the bills much in the same way a bank teller might.

The customs officer is looking at his monitor. He asks me if I am carrying any live animals, vegetables, firearms, narcotics, tobacco, drugs or alcohol with me, and of course I say that I am not. He then asks me if I have ever had a problem with a border guard previously while trying to enter the United States. I say no to this as well. Next, he asks if I have ever been arrested or convicted of a crime. I answer "No".

He tells me to go have a seat in the office down the way. I do so, and he takes his seat behind his desk there. He asks me again if there has ever been an incident with a customs officer while attempting to enter the USA. I answer in the negative again. He stares at me, then tells me that back in June 1998 there was a problem in Sweetgrass, Montana, where I had been told to leave the USA after arriving at the border on my own accord.

Now suddenly, I remember. Honestly, I had completely forgotten about an incident that had occurred back then. The story is simple. I went to go stay at a "Christian discipleship" house in Billings, Montana, and one of the elders there had encouraged me to go to the border and make sure things were in order legally and all that. So I did so, and then when I arrived and explained to the wonderful (sic) customs people there, they had me detained and removed from the USA. I was living there illegally, they said. I recount this to the border guard across the desk from me, who is regarding me with an expression that might have been a mixture of contempt and amusement. I realize he thinks I was trying to hide this from him.

Then, he tells me of something else that has snagged me. He informs me that back in 1996 there was a warrant out on me in Sault Ste. Marie, Ontario, for "criminal harassment". I am utterly surprised. Now I'm a wanted man. I don't even know what criminal harassment means. I explain this to the customs guy, and he tells me to think back to what I might have been doing 5 years previously. Now I feel like I'm being toyed with.

Finally, the guard eases up. He looks at my ticket, my passport, then at me and says, "What do you want me to think?" I answer to him that I was not trying to deceive him, that I had honestly forgotten about my experience at the border in Montana 3 years previously and that I was completely unaware of what this charge was about. He tells me that I am free to go, but next time to tell the customs guard about any and all previous encounters with US border crossings. I thank him and walk very, very fast back towards the waiting bus.

I understand the point of having international boundaries and that these people who patrol these lines are entrusted to a very important role. They are the ones who are to stop the traffic of illegal drugs, weapons and all that other sort of stuff. But dealing with a busload of civilians from Canada does not require "good cop, bad cop" tactics. The guard might have just pulled me aside and told me what was going on instead of trying to trip me up. I feel like I'm being set up. I always dislike going through customs for the simple reason that they have this uber-authority to just block anyone, I mean, anyone, from entering the country just because they feel like it. It is unfair and unjust.

I guess it's the same with anyone else who gets put in a position of supreme command or authority. I could understand if Canada and the USA were at war. But from now on, I fly to the USA. Or hitchhike even. They tend not to harrass people in cars as often as people travelling via bus lines.

You can contact me at WebMaster@BardsTale.com. Until next month, farewell fellow Bard's Tale fans!
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